It’s a Frogs Life

One of the biggest discoveries for me as I’ve become a mother is to realise how many people can make you feel like a total failure with the smallest of actions. Your child, other parents, Health Visitors, Midwives, Doctors etc etc and so the list goes on.

Caroline has a daughter called Chloe. She’s roughly the same age as my daughter and yet her daughter has hit her developmental milestones with ease, slept through the night from about 3 months, potty trained to perfection and never had a fuss about eating or sleeping. My daughter has slept through the night approx 10 times in her life, is still having regular accidents with the potty training, can be a nightmare to feed and has a tendency for being an absolute bloody nightmare overnight. So what’s the difference? Caroline doesn’t work, I do - is that it? Are all working mothers inherently rubbish? No, I don’t think its that at all. I think that some people are born with “perfect” children and some of us have the more normal kids. Caroline never gloats, and I genuinely don’t think she feels smug but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I find it all rather nauseating.

Don’t get me wrong, I love E absolutely the way she is and wouldn’t change her for the world. Every child is different and E has strengths that Chloe lacks - her Mum can’t leave her anywhere as she simply cannot entertain herself whereas E will happily play in the lounge whilst I tidy up in the kitchen or sort some washing out. This is a massive bonus on my part as I don’t know how Caroline copes with a toddler that requires constant attention. I just find it interesting in the ways that kids are different.

These differences pass into adulthood of course and that’s what makes the world go around. I find it very interesting to see some of my friends lives and how they differ from mine. Again, take Caroline. To all intents and purposes, she’s loaded. Her family practically oozes money, and always has done. As a result, she’s never had to really work for something as anything she’s ever wanted has been handed to her almost literally on a silver platter. So as a result Chloe has everything a child could want, more toys than Hamleys and more clothes than the next directory. When they need something, they just get it without question of whether they can afford it because they quite simply can - end of. She’s not a snob, and she doesn’t lord it over people but at the same time she doesn’t understand people who don’t have money. She doesn’t understand why I work, or why I don’t spend £100’s of pounds on clothes for E, or why I can’t afford to go on holiday abroad all the time. We’re not hard up, we’re “ok” financially. We have a nice house and 2 cars that work (mostly) and in order for us to live as we do, I need to work. That aside, I WANT to work. Going back to work after having E was by far the best thing I ever did. Of course I still feel guilty every time I leave E behind and I miss her like mad but those 3 days in the madness of the insurance industry have given me back my identity. Yes I’m a Mum, but I’m also a bloody good underwriter and I need that part of me.

If I thought for 1 minute that E would be better off with me at home, i’d jack my job in immediately. We’d have to make changes - I couldn’t afford to run my car, we’d have to cut back on some of the stuff like cable TV - nothing drastic just a few of the luxuries like an annual holiday etc. But, if I did that I seriously think I’d lose the plot fairly quickly. I genuinely do believe that working makes me a better mother. I know many thousands of people disagree but then like I said at the beginning, we’re all different and its those differences that make the world go around. I don’t dislike stay at home Mum’s, I applaud them as I genuinely think that its the hardest job in the world. But its not for me. I loved having that year off when I had E (bar the PND of course…) but going back was the right thing for me.

I just wish that people would respect other people’s choices in life. I would say that every week I come across at least 1 person who thinks that I’m in the wrong for being a working mother. What right do they have to judge me? Is it the fact that I work that means that E has accidents and wets herself, or doesn’t always eat her food, or wakes up in the night screaming? IS IT BOLLOCKS! Its because she’s 2 years old and is learning that even though you’re engrossed in playing you have to go to the loo to wee rather than wetting yourself. She’s learning that if you don’t eat your food then you get hungry and grumpy and if you don’t sleep, you’re tired and miserable and don’t enjoy the day time. There’s nothing wrong with her development, she’s 2 years old and being an independent toddler sometimes means that you have to learn the hard way. It has nothing to do with your Mum going to work for 3 days. We don’t all have perfect children who sleep 14 hours straight, potty train in 3 days and never have an accident and eat every meal that’s put in front of them. But as my allie Greedy says - when these perfect little angles reach 16 they’ll probably all have ASBOs….

Oh and guess what - Caroline has just found out she’s pregnant, after a month of trying. I’m genuinely pleased for her I really am. I on the other hand am not pregnant and in fact, I’m not 100% sure that I’ve even ovulated this month. It just shows, life can be a total bitch sometimes.

AGHGHGHGHGHGH! Do you sometimes wish you could walk into the middle of nowhere and just SCREAM!? That’s what I feel I need to do. I’ll be performing this scream at approximately 6.30am tomorrow in my car whilst driving into work. So if you see a deranged woman in a little red car, you’ll know its me.

I just have so much going round and round in my head at the moment. Work is crazy busy and I’ve got a week off starting a week on Monday. Its always the case, you have to work your arse off just to take a week off, so I’m in tomorrow, possibly for most of the day and I’ll probably be bringing stuff home with me to do on Sunday. How nice. I’m going to start potty training E on Thursday - you probably didn’t need to know that but tough, there it is! She’s really showing that she’s ready now, and we’re having some success with the potty, so its cold turkey pants from Thursday. We’ve also started ttc again, and with that comes all the ghosts of the miscarriage, my weird cycle, fear of what happened when I was pregnant with E, fear of not getting pregnant etc and I’m trying so hard to shut it all out, but it keeps poking its head up and biting me on the arse…..

I don’t want to obsess and I don’t want to spend every waking moment thinking am I going to get pregnant, am I going to miscarry, do I even want to get pregnant, but all of these thoughts are racing round my head at 200 miles an hour. In my saner moments, I know that thinking about things like this only makes matters worse and doesn’t solve anything. But in my loopier moments, its like a tornado causing havoc in my head.

The fact is I do want another child, but I’m scared of miscarrying again. I’m getting slightly better and we have actually started to ttc whereas last month, the thought of pregnancy terrified me rigid. Part of me thinks that we should just say that’s it and look into adopting, but then that doesn’t sit right either. In a lot of ways, I feel that for the 1st time in 3 years, I’m back in control of my life. I have a daughter who I think the world of, and our lives fit together really well. To be pregnant now almost would feel like starting back to that fateful day in August 2004 when I found out I was pregnant with E, and then looked what happened. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret any of it, I’m just scared about what could happen and how that would affect E as well as me. The argument to that, I’d know what to look for with PND if that happened again, and that is a valid argument, but it doesn’t stop the thoughts. I could miscarry again, yes but there’s nothing I could do to affect the outcome either way, so what am I stressing over?

I suppose I want the easy option - but then who doesn’t? Despite all my fears of pregnancy, the new baby stage etc if someone could say to me right now Hazel, you’re going to get pregnant and you’re going to carry the baby to term and the baby will be fine - then I’d chill out and get on with it. But of course no one can say that. If they could, they’d be minted and the world would be a very different and probably very scary place. But if I knew that I’d get my child, I’d just get on with it despite everything else.

Its daft but from plotting my BBT I know that I should have ovulated on Wednesday, but I didn’t and I’m 99% sure that its because I’m so wound up at the moment. I’m thinking about stopping plotting BBT, just to see if it takes the pressure off but then again, having cycle information is really useful regardless of trying to get pregnant.

On top of this I’m feeling a bit frustrated with people. I think I’m too nice sometimes and as a result, I get walked all over sometimes and right now, I feel like I’m in a one way friendship. I work, she doesn’t and I feel that whenever we see each other, its on her terms and when is convenient to her, with no thought of whether its suitable for me. If I can’t fit in, then I feel that I’m being difficult. If she can’t fit in, then that’s just the way it is. I’m sure that its not done with any malice, she’s just one of those people who is genuinely stuck in her ways of routine and will not even think to be swayed. Its disappointing though, and quite hurtful. Its eating at me at the moment.

Anyway, I think I’m going to go to bed and just chill right out. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, if nothing else it will bring my opportunity to scream.

Its been about a year since I had a panic attack, until this evening. I don’t really know how it happened, it just hit me from nowhere and its knocked the stuffing out of me. I didn’t realise at first, its only know that I’ve worked it out.

I replied to the email that I didn’t know what to do with, and then I had a reply this evening. I saw it come in and I wasn’t going to read it. I’d just turned the PC on to check madmums and my ebay stuff, I’d only got 15 mins before my Reiki appointment and so I was going to leave the reply and read it later. I read it, it was OK but then whamo - all of a sudden, it really wasn’t ok. I wanted to cry, and I mean sob uncontrollably. I needed to get away and just be on my own, my chest tightened, my head raced and it was all I could do to hold myself together. But there was only Ella and I here, and I can’t and wouldn’t run off and leave Ella here on her own. I scooped her up and gave her the biggest cuddle I could manage. She thought it was a game, so that helped and together we lifted the mood. But its really surprised me, and worried me to be honest. I thought this had all stopped.

I then foolishly made a phone call, and have now made an awkward situation about 100 times worse. I’ll see the recipient tomorrow so will sort it out then, but what do I say. Oh sorry for sounding like an absolute arse on the phone, I’d just had a panic attack. Will have to think about that one.

I’m OK now, but rather taken a back. Its been a funny week, work has been hard and busy and I’ve got this horrid cough thing going on that’s stopping me from sleeping well and is making me feel a bit crap. I don’t think reading the email caused it, I don’t know what did really. Its probably a good job that the reiki lady was coming, I feel much better than I did before the treatment.

Anyway, not much more to say on that. I’ve got a lot of things going round in my head at the moment, and this is 1 more thing to add to the list. Its done, but what next? Are there more or is it a 1 off? I really didn’t see it coming, lets hope its not brought its friends.

Its the school holidays where I live, so the local highways agency has decided that its time to cause utter mayhem on the roads and dig something up at least on every other road in Leicestershire, if not more frequently. The result on this is an extra 20 mins on my commute and the risk that I might get fined for picking Ella up late from nursery.

I work in Leicester City Centre; its about 15 miles from my home. In the mornings, I pick a friend up and so go a back route through some pretty villages, and in the evening, I take one of the main roads out of the city. Between mine and my friend’s house there are 6 sets of roadworks - in 17 miles. Between her house and work, there are 4 more. To leave the city on the side I need to, there are 2 main routes - one of them is shut, and its causing chaos! And then to add insult to injury, there are 2 sets of roadworks between where I park and the way out of Leicester and every single alternative I could take has - you guessed it - ROADWORKS! AGHGHGHGHGHHGHG!!

Do they not realise that Leicestershire doesn’t shut down for 6 weeks just because the schools do? Not all parents have the summer off, some people do actually need to get in and out of the city still?!

I pay the nursery until 5pm. If I’m late, I get fined £5 for the 1st 5 mins, then £5 a minute after that. Its so annoying as normally, I’m there with at least 15 mins to spare - not for the next 6 weeks though!

It drives me mad as when I drive out of the car park when I leave my car, every single road that leads from it has some kind of work going on. EVERY ONE!

Breathe and smile….. see, I’m a whole new woman.

But anyway, besides my new found loathing of LCC Highways Department, things are OK. Work is busy but good, and I’m feeling pretty good. I feel like I’m living my life again instead of being in a depressive cloud, and it feels good. I’m sure that it rubs off on Ella as besides her being a beast bag at times, she’s very happy and settled at the moment. Its amazing how much difference a few weeks can make.

That wasn’t the original title of this blog entry, it was going to be to shag or not to shag, but thats just rude.

I don’t know how I feel about trying for another baby. On one hand, I really want another child and I have moments of thinking sod it, lets just try and see what happens. Then I have moments of sheer terror, almost like a panic attack where I just don’t think I can go through it and another miscarriage feels inevitable. There’s no science to my thoughts, its just how they are. TMI warning - its things like when I go to the loo and, well, have a poo, I can feel mucus or whatever it is moving down through my cervix - and that’s how if felt during the waiting time when I was miscarrying. When I woke up and went to the loo sometimes, there would be no blood. Then I’d have a poo, and all hell would break lose. I know that’s stupid, but it is how I feel. Medically, I know that I have a 71% chance of having a successful pregnancy, but I’ve been in the 29% and I don’t want to be there again.

Adoption has been on my mind recently too. I’ve told Angus what I’ve been thinking, not because I want to adopt but just because its something that’s on my mind. For him it has greater meaning as he had 2 adopted brothers that had a major impact on the way he was bought up. R and P were 8 and 9 years younger than him and were bought up very differently to him and his sister. Money was tight so Angus and his sister didn’t have the latest trainers or the cool clothes, but when R and P came on the scene, they had the Nike trainers and the branded jumpers. Whether it was because they were adopted or because they were black children adopted into a white family, his parents seemed to over compensate for them. Whatever the reasons, it had an impact on his childhood and in later life, on his relationship with his parents. So this in turn impacts on his thoughts about adoption. Realistically, its too soon to think about adopting. Angus wants to try again, I’m not sure yet. If we don’t, then I would like to consider adoption. I do genuinely believe that I could treat an adopted child the same as I treat Ella and love them the same as they would be my child - but the child/parent relationship would be made by love rather than by egg and sperm.

During all of this time, I can almost hear my biological clock ticking. I know that 35 isn’t ancient and that many women go on to have babies later than 35 but 36 was my cut off - due to my pregnancy with Ella, my weight, my PND everything. I set that limit, I may alter it slightly but realistically, if I am going to have another go at this pregnancy lark, I want it to be sooner rather than later. If someone could say to me that I could fall pregnant and it go on to produce a healthy baby, I’d do it right now but of course no one can tell me that. The single thing that I’m terrified of is miscarrying again - and I mean terrified in its truest meaning. Terrified to the point of the hairs on my arms standing on end as I type this and my heart racing.

Other than all of this rubbish, things are feeling much, much better in the frog’s life. I feel more like I’m back in control of my life and things feel balanced. Work is OK, busy as hell but I’m still enjoying it. Time with Ella is lovely, even though she can be a beast at times, so all in all, I feel about 200 times better than I did. I don’t know if its the reiki, or the flower remedies I’ve been taking, or what it is but I do feel a lot more optimistic and positive about things. I have bad days, but I expect to so they are less of a shock.

I don’t know how the question of another baby will resolve. I can’t make the decision at the moment and I’m not sure that I ever will be able to. In my mind I’d thought that if I fell pregnant in July, we’d have another April baby - like Ella. Now that July is here, I’m not ready and until I at least feel that trying is the right thing, I just can’t go there.

Oops. Its been a while. Well whats been going on, where to start!

Well I rang the hospital and the bloods came back negative, but the swabs showed a new infection i.e. different to the one a had before. Fortunately, the antibiotics that they’d given me were the right ones to treat it so I was to keep on taking them and see what happened. If the bleeding didn’t stop, go back to the GP. The bleeding did stop - hurrah! I was soooo pleased! Finally I thought I was going to be able to put the physical side behind me and start dealing with the mental side. Hold that thought.

We went on holiday - it was lovely. So so nice to get away and just have some time to concentrate on the 3 of us. Angus had to come back on the Tuesday for the day for his uncle’s funeral and whilst it was absolutely the right thing for him to do, it was very very hard. I felt extremely overwhelmed. Ella was not in a great mood and was being quite difficult and all of the mechanisms I have in place at home to deal with the terrible twos weren’t there. But we managed it and had a good day and when Angus came back, he found us both asleep! With hindsight, I wished we gone for a week instead of Monday to Friday, I feel I have at least a weeks worth of unwinding to do! But it was a lovely 5 days, an now its back to reality.

I need to sort my head out, and I’m not really sure where to begin. If life splits in to 3 parts - Physical, Mental and Spiritual, where do you start when all 3 are out of kilter? If you drew a Venn diagram with each one having its own circle, the problem that sits in the middle of all 3 is the miscarriage. I’m not saying that that’s the only bit of my life that needs addressing, but its the proximate cause of the problem.

Physical - My period started last Wednesday and went through until Sunday which is unusual, but not outside the realms of possibility for still being normal. Monday was ok - hurrah I though, back to normal - and then the dark brown discharge started, and I cried and cried. I just want my body back. Is that really too much to ask?

Mental - Whilst all the physical stuff was going on, I didn’t really address the loss of my baby. As I’ve said before, although medically there was no baby, there was to me. I still had a physical pregnancy with a sac and a placenta and a bump. I wanted that baby very much. Once I thought the physical issues were over, it hit me just what the loss meant and its really affecting me at the moment.

Spiritual - I believe in God, and that belief hasn’t changed since I was 8 or 9 years old. My commitment and passion for it has and I’m not proud of that. I don’t know where I stand at the moment. I’m searching for answers that I can’t find. I know that ultimately, it comes down to me to sort that one out.

When I was pregnant with Ella and the problems started, at some point I became depressed. I then had Ella, and that turned my world upside down. I then had PND which went on for 22 months. I stopped taking the tablets in December 2006, started to find myself again and work out who I was, and then feel pregnancy in February 2007. I don’t think I’ve sorted my head out since I was pregnant with Ella and now its all coming to a head. This is what I mean when I say that I don’t feel my life is balanced - I don’t know where I fit or who I am. I’m a wife, mother, sister, friend, daughter etc I also have a job and all of these roles need to fit together to make me who I am. But in all of that is Hazel - the centre point of it all, and after I’ve dealt with all the other bits, I’m not quite sure what I’m left with for me. A few weeks ago, I decided to sort out the physical bits so I saw the chiropractor to sort my hip out and I started to take a bit more care of myself. I don’t know whether it will make a difference, I just need to try.

When the dust has settled, we do want to try for another baby - and that scares the crap out of me. I know its normal to be scared, but that doesn’t actually make it any easier. When the discharge started after my period, my heart hit the floor. I’d at least like to know that my cycle is back to normal. It it had been, we were going to start trying after my next period. Now, i don’t know. So far today, there’s been no more discharge so fingers crossed its hormonal. I just don’t know what to think.

Anyway, I’m sure I’m not making myself clear so I think I’ll just give up for now and go to bed. Bottom line - I feel very fragile, battered, bruised and in need of some TLC. I need to get up, sort my wounds out and move on, but I’m just not sure how to do it.

Well, I hope so!

I spent a thoroughly entertaining (not) three and a half hours in A&E at Queens Hospital on Thursday and the upshot is - I have an infection….still. Its either the remnants of the last one or a new one. The nurses and the registrar were all really nice and had a good old look about. They re-did the swabs, which didn’t hurt as much this time so I’m taking that to be a good sign. They also took some blood and another 2 internal examinations which although unpleasent, didn’t make me want to bite the pillow. That said, I did wonder if he was looking to deliver a calf at one point.

So I have to ring the hospital on Tuesday to get the test results and in the mean time I have two new sets of antibiotics to take which will hopefully (please please please!!!) clear things up. If not, they’ll do an ultrasound and may re-do the ERPC.

I’ve been taking the tablets since Thursday afternoon, and I think they might be working. I almost daren’t say it but the bleeding does seem to be lighter. So fingers crossed. Also, I think I ovulated today as my temp chart shows a shift - not massive, but a shift none the less. If I have, that would tie in with my cycle pre-pregnancy and would mean my period arriving on 13th/14th June - when we’re on holiday! So will see what happens.

I really hope that this is the start of the healing. Its just dragged on for so long, even when I don’t see blood or dark discharge when I go to the loo, I know that within a few minutes I will.

Today, I’ve felt quite upset about losing the baby. Angus’s uncle died yesterday and the funeral is likely to be this Friday. I don’t do well at funerals at the best of times, but today the thought of a funeral has really upset me, because it marks the end of a life, and its made me think about the end of my baby’s life. In my mind, it was my baby from the moment the egg was fertilised so even though an actual baby didn’t develop properly, it was still my baby. I don’t know how I’ll feel come Friday, we’ll just have to see and maybe take a few sedatives or something.

But apart from all this, this time next week we’ll be getting ready to go on holiday, and I just can’t wait. I think I’ll probably have a good old meltdown when we’re away, but I don’t care. I just want some time to get away from everything and clear my head.

I’ll admit it, I’m a right mardy bum tonight. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that I am totally and utterly pissed off.

I went to the doctors today about the bleeding. He called the on duty registrar on the gynae ward at Queens Hospital and they had a debate about getting me in for a scan. The registrar said that the GP should refer me - fine, but that takes 3 months to get an ultrasound. Alternatively, I can go to A&E tomorrow with a letter from my GP, and they may see me at some point. How nice and what a lovely way to spend a Thursday.

I’m pissed of as I had plans - ok not the end of the world but I’ve let some friends down for the 2nd time. I’m pissed off because Angus now has to lose yet another days holiday to look after Ella whilst I go and hang around A&E. I’m pissed off because why can’t anything be straight forward? 10 flipping weeks I’ve been bleeding. OK 4 of them were my body saying hey this pregnancy isn’t right, but the other 6 are just stupid! I just don’t understand it. I know that I can shout and moan and it won’t change anything, but tonight I just feel like shouting, moaning and possibly even stamping my foot.

After an ERPC you have a 1 in 1000 chance of a complication such as an infection or retained product. I’ve had the infection and now the GP thinks I may have a retained product. If it is, I may have to have another ERPC and frankly, that’s not really what I wanted right now. If that’s what it needs, then so be it and I’ll get on with it. Its just frustrating because I’m going to a wedding a week on Saturday and then on holiday a week on Monday and I’d kind of got my head round what I needed to do at work to get myself in a reasonable state before having 2 weeks off. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not being a martyr I would just like to leave my desk in a reasonable state before going on holiday and not leaving loads of crap for other people to sort out - for the 2nd time in 10 weeks.

Not that that really matters, I’ll do what ever I have to do and nothing I complain about will change any of that. I just want it over. I want to wake up, go to the loo and not see blood or brown slime. I want to not bleed for a bit - is that too much to ask?

I love this picture. Everything is so calm, so still and so balanced. This is how I imagine my life to be when it balances, except at the moment, it feels like a tornado has ripped through it.

My life isn’t balanced at the moment, and its not been for some time. I don’t know how to balance it. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, more so since the miscarriage I guess. We’re all responsible for our own destinies and we can choose to change a lot of things, ultimately its down to us. For me, I choose to try and find my balance. The balance between my daughter, my husband, my job, my friends, my spirituality and myself. I can’t put my finger on what it is that makes me feel like this and I’m not really sure where to start. This seemed like a good place.

I’ve been wondering for a while now about whether I think the depression is coming back, and I’ve decided that for now its not but this lack of balance is whats making me feel out of sorts. I’m not sure where my place is or what my role is in this life. So today, I’m going to start to try and unravel this tangled mess…..

Step one - sort out the physical! Its 6 weeks post ERPC and guess what everyone - I’M STILL BLEEDING! I mean really, what the hell is going on! So I’m going to see the doctor either tomorrow or Thursday and try and get some answers. The bleeding has changed and is now a mix of blood and horrid thick brown discharge, but its there every time I go to the loo (sorry) and I need to wear a towel as a liner isn’t enough. My asthma isn’t good at the moment either, and I’m fairly sure that its hormonal. So need to get that sorted too. I’m having reflexology on Thursday night, and I’ve got an appointment with my chiropractor next Thursday to sort my hip/back out. BRING IT ON! I’ve been given the number of a reiki therapist, am am going to call her to see what her charges are. With everything else, I can’t really afford another thing but its worth looking into for the future. I’m also going to make a point of getting to bed at a more reasonable time. I’m so tired and I know this is making things worse. Its a simple solution, but one that’s going to be hard to stick to. So watch this space.

As Eric Idle and the pythons once said..

Guess what - I’ve got a womb infection! Yes really, I have! AGHGHGHGH!

I went to the doctors yesterday as it was 4 weeks post op and the bleeding had started to get a bit heavier. I was also having more discharge and, well, it was starting to smell wrong. The doctor thinks I have endometritis, so I’ve got 2 lots of anti-biotics to take and I’ve had some swabs taken for testing. The swabs really hurt. Now I’m normally pretty good with things like that, but jeez it hurt! The results should be back in a week, and in the meantime I’ve just got to rest, no swimming, no sex (not that there was any chance of that feeling like this!) and try to eat foods rich in iron. So tonight I have 2 brocollis to eat!

Yesterday I was really upset about this. It just felt like a twist of the knife - you know what, you’ve been bleeding for 8 weeks, it took 4 weeks to confirm your miscarriage and now ha - here’s a womb infection. Today, I’ve decided to stop being such a grumpy sod and appreciate the good things I have. Ella has been lovely (in parts!) today and I’m so lucky to have her. She’s so full of life and energy. I have a wonderful family including 3 gorgeous nephews who I love to bits. I’m so lucky, and I need to focus on that.

To be honest, I feel rubbish. I have tummy ache and am very tired, but then I also have a bouncy 2 year old whos dancing whilst watching Mr Tumble at the moment. So its time to stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with it.

PS - Am still allowed to meltdown every now and then though…